when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
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Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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