Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
