some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
