Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize