you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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