And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
