News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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