the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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