today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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