I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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