i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
