I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sext me about skeletons
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
