you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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