apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
