You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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