WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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