The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
