There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
