Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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