considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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