please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Drunk is not a location!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
