Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
