i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
