Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
