I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
