I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
