proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
