You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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