Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
