I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Ladies don't puke and tell
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
