When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
