I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
