the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
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Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
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He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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