i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
