WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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