Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
