Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
