About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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