I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
