life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Plan B is the new Plan A
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
