Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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