The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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