apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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