Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
