So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
