That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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