I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
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I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize