Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
