drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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