He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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