I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
