these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
