if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Couch. On fire.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
