just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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