mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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