I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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