I puked a lego.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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