i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
