also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize