Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
