i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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