Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.