i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
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Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor